The Marriage Covenant
By David A. Wheeler
Preface
Marriage is one of the most vital and basic foundation of
human society. It is really the
existence of society from the beginning as established by God in the Garden of
Eden. The world is at pivotal points
today in the determining the future of society or anarchy. This most precious union between two
individuals, one male and one female, should be the most valued relationship
that exists in mankind. With this in
mind, God uses this union over and over throughout Scripture to describe the
type of intimate, trusting, creative and loving relationship He desires to have
with mankind.
My hope is that as you read you will be encouraged in your
own relationship with God and His desire to be in relationship with you. From my years of ministering to couples and
single adults I draw a wealth of knowledge and understanding that will
hopefully point you and your spouse or future spouse toward a lifelong marriage
relationship. I trust that you will not
use this to justify the deficiencies in your spouse, but examine your role in
your marriage and use this to adjust and measure your part in the
relationship. My wish for all is to find
and build a healthy marriage as I have.
Introduction
We live in a society today whose fathers and mothers have
failed to instill the values of a covenant relationship. These failures have led us to a point of
really searching for fulfillment which often results in unhealthy choices and
an empty life lived. Even when fathers
and mothers have succeeded with instilling the values of a covenant
relationship the overwhelming societal failures shake the core of these
convictions. My intentions are not to
bring condemnation to anyone who has had or experienced a failed marriage, but
my intentions are to bring correction and understanding to all who are married
or have hopes of being married or married again. I am not foolish, unwise or without
understanding of why relationships fail.
I realize the complexity of making a decision to end a marriage and
realize that the Bible gives permission under issues of infidelity, abandonment
and abuse. Even when these issues exist
there is still the encouragement to do all you possibly can to forgive and
trust again. You will one day be
measured in your heart as to the real reason for ending a marriage covenant.
English Historian, Edward Gibbon (1737-1794), wrote in his
non-fiction history book, Decline and Fall of the Roman Empire the
following five attributes marked Rome at its end:
1.
A mounting love of show and luxury
2.
A widening gap between the very rich and the
very poor.
3.
An obsession with sex.
4.
Freakishness in the arts, masquerading as
originality, and enthusiasms pretending to be creativity.
5.
An increased desire to live off the state.
Much could be written about these issues in our society
today. All of these issues are contrary
to the teachings of Christ and the Bible.
I find today that these same issues are at the root of most marital
issues and problems. A society is only
as good as the covenants maintained and kept by that society. Covenants are only as good as the intentions
of the individuals joined by that covenant.
These ills within individuals are the determining factor to the security
of a covenant. You want a good marriage
covenant spouse then exam their life carefully, listening to those you trust
around you; work hard on your own life resolving issues within your own life
that are contrary to the teachings of Christ and the Bible. Aren’t you thankful for a covenant making God
who is faithful when we are faithless and has made a way for us to rid
ourselves of our sin nature and be partakers with Him through the shed blood of
Jesus Christ?
Today, marriage has become a little
more than an upgraded social contract between two people. For Christians our way of life should be
governed by the values outlined in Scripture.
Christian values are not utilitarianism.
That is, Christian values cannot be just an ethical doctrine that virtue
is based on being something useful and that conduct should be directed toward
promoting the greatest happiness of the greatest number of persons. Christian values must communicate the
Biblical message of truth and its demands of commitment to truth. Christian values must point to the universal
God and His universal rule and individual rule in our own lives. Christian values means accepting Christ and
living under God’s revelation. Truth,
God’s truth, gives usefulness to all knowledge and all of life. By you accepting and living by these Biblical
truths and Christian values you will have a clearer understanding of covenant
and being a covenant spouse. Your spouse
or future spouse must also accept and live in these Biblical truths and
Christian values in order for them to have a clear understanding of covenant
and being a covenant spouse. I am
convinced that marriage without the relational God in the middle of it will
experience extreme difficulties and is more likely to fail.
Today, the principles of
obtaining a healthy marriage is not taught in the home and in most homes not
modeled. Our culture and society is such
that over half the children under the age of 18yrs will experience and witness
their parents failed marriage and in some cases more than one. What example of marriage are you setting for
your children? Do you want them to have
the same type of relationship you have with your spouse? Teach your children more than the “do’s and don’ts”
– Help them understand the “Why’s.” The
model we are often given today is parents who wished they had said “I don’t”
instead of “I do!” As a married couple
you have the greatest opportunity to change the societal tide by embracing the
“I do” and demonstrating a covenant marriage.
While many tout the statistical truth that the divorce rate is the same
inside the church as it is outside the church, the truth is that there is a
significant difference in the divorce rate among those who profess to be
Christians versus those who are deeply committed to Christ.
Fight!
The New Testament describes the
life of a disciple of Christ as one who is running, wrestling and fighting!
Nehemiah
4:14
14I looked [them over] and rose up and said to the nobles and
officials and the other people, Do not be afraid of the enemy; [earnestly]
remember the Lord and imprint Him [on your minds], great and terrible, and
[take from Him courage to] fight for your brethren, your sons, your daughters,
your wives, and your homes.
We have something worth fighting for! Too often the couples I encounter in my office
who are struggling in their marriage are often fighting against one another
instead of fighting for their marriage.
It takes two to fight.
Ephesians 5:31:
31For this reason a man shall leave his father and his mother and
shall be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.
What are you fighting? Are you fighting your spouse or are you
together as one flesh fighting the forces set out to destroy your marriage
covenant. When your focus becomes your spouse
you begin to devour your relationship.
There are aspects of personal responsibility, boundaries and ownership
of our own faults that comes into play.
When our focus is on us becoming the best Christ follower we can be and
our spouse focuses on them becoming the best Christ follower they can be the
marriage has great potential of defeating the foes of covenant. When we join our spouse in helping them
become the best Christ follower they can be and vice versa together you become
a powerful force.
Deuteronomy 32:30:
30How could one have chased a thousand, and two put ten thousand to
flight, except their Rock had sold them, and the Lord had delivered them up?
Fight for your wives! The
sanctity of marriage is under such an attack. For over 70 years we have watched
the degradation of this institution and framework of society! Fight. Fight for
your wives! Fight for your husbands! Don’t fight with one another! Marriage is
the principal human relationship in which God uses to express His relationship
with mankind. The attack on marriage is a spiritual attack on God’s expression
of the type of relationship He desires with mankind! If the institution of marriage crumbles then
how will mankind understand the kind of relationship God desires to have with
us! Fight! Fight! Fight! Stem the tide of divorce. Our relationship with God is
not a perverted, unnatural, non-producing relationship. Our relationship with
God should exemplify all that is good, natural, and procreative! So should
human marriage be – good, natural, and procreative. In addition, our marriages
should be formed with a basis of love born out of commitment, not formed by a
love born out of performance. Regardless of our performance God loves us! He is
committed to us! Aren’t you glad?
Conditional Love vs. Unconditional Love
There was a couple contemplating
their relationship with one another. The
woman asked “Do you believe in unconditional love?” and he responded, “Well,
that depends.” The view promoted today
by our society, Hollywood, art and literature is marriage based on conditional
love. We are addressing the way in which
love is given or expressed. It is given
or expressed as conditional or unconditional.
• Conditional
Love: This expression of love depends on what is received from the person in
return. For example, I will love you if....you are rich, if you have a great
car, if you will not betray me, if you will not lie to me, if you have a great
body. This expression of love asks for
something in return, it has a condition!
As soon as “if” comes into the equation in whatever way...that is
conditional love. The expression of conditional
Love is self-seeking so that my needs are met.
• Unconditional
Love: This expression of love that is given without any “conditions”. This expression
of love has no limits or boundaries; it does not possess, or dictate. It is
freely given without expectations of receiving in return. There is never an “if” in this expression. I give my love. Unconditional love is self-giving and a
desire to meet the needs of others first.
God gave His son unconditionally with hopes that man would choose to
accept this love and Receive His Son, Jesus Christ in their hearts.
Poor parenting skills have
created a society who received conditional love as a form of correction. Poor marriages have also demonstrated and
reinforced this principle of conditional love as the formation, expectation and
sustaining force of marriage. Too often
conditional love is used as a weapon to produce change of those human qualities
that were not accepted by parents or society.
So children are encouraged to perform for their parents and other
adults, thereby allowing even the children to deny real issues that would
otherwise need correction. Children are
not pets but require unconditional love that fuels transformation in their
lives to be responsible, better and achieve beyond normal expectations. Conditional love does not provide real
acceptance nor foster real change. The
results it produces is guilt and shame.
The basis of conditional love is
widespread among adults in most relationships today. Relationships are based on performance
instead of a genuine unconditional love.
“You better walk the line buddy or you’ll be out the door…” Jesus said, I will never leave you nor
forsake you! When unconditional love
exists our performance is not demanded but given out of our respect,
appreciation and acceptance of our spouse.
We are motivated to change not just to receive conditional love, but
because the change is right, moral and good for us and our spouse. The closer we get to God the more we want to change
because of His love expressed towards us.
The closer we get to our spouse the more we should want to change
because of their love expressed towards us.
It should not be a guessing game of what “hoops” I must jump through in
order to get, keep or maintain our relationship. Love should be freely given and freely
received! The knots of conditional love
must be untied in our adult lives if unconditional love is to exist.
The expression of unconditional love is expressed through
the authentic self – allowing others to really see who we are. It is deeper than: our roles, desires, beliefs, goals and
assumptions. It is deeper than: our
identity, habits, survival skills, prejudices and attachments. It is deeper than: our wants, illusions,
black and white thinking, fears, perfectionism, certainties, and fantasies. The progression of a dating relationship is
going backwards in this list, but many never obtain and reach unconditional
love, but instead pause and accept conditional love. Unfortunately, most couples do not wait to
have sex or to be physically exposed to one another prior to marriage, thus
accepting a false vulnerability and openness before emotional, social,
spiritual and intellectual vulnerability and openness are gained. But for those who do wait for the maturing of
vulnerability and openness emotionally, socially, intellectually and
spiritually their physical vulnerability and openness will be powerful and
their relationship is more likely based on unconditional love. Unconditional love is being completely exposed
emotionally, socially, intellectually and spiritually to our spouse or future
spouse. When a budding relationship
matures to this point the couple is ready for marriage. When we are completely vulnerable and open
before God we are then free to receive God’s unconditional love.
Listen to the power of
unconditional love that has drawn many to the altars of repentance and examine
your marriage covenant in its light; Are you and your spouse this vulnerable
and accepting of one another?
Just as I Am, Without One Plea
Text: Charlotte Elliott, 1789-1871
Music: William B. Bradbury, 1816-1868
Just as I am, wihtout one plea,
but that thy blood was shed for me,
and that thou didst me come to thee,
O Lamb of God, I come, I come.
Just as I am, and waiting not
to rid my soul of one dark blot,
to thee whose blood can cleanse each spot,
O Lamb of God, I come, I come.
Just as I am, though tossed about
with many a conflict, many a doubt,
fightings and fears within, without,
O Lamb of God, I come, I come.
Just as I am, poor, wretched, blind;
sight, riches, healing of the mind,
yea, all I need in thee to find,
O Lamb of God, I come, I come.
Just as I am, thou wilt receive,
wilt welcome, pardon, cleanse, relieve;
because thy promise I believe,
O Lamb of God, I come, I come.
Just as I am, thy love unknown
hath broken every barrier down;
now, to be thine, yea thine alone,
O Lamb of God, I come, I come.
Our human understanding of God must change from a Theistic view to an Imminent view. When we view God in a Theistic way we only obtain knowledge. The Imminent view of God puts us in keen awareness that God is near and all is under Hist watchful eye. This watchful eye is there to govern our behavior and keep us from sin.
Jude 1:24:
It is then that we begin to have an indwelling
understanding of God and His love expressed towards us. We have heart knowledge. Successful marriages require both husband and
wife to be committed to Christ! Conditional
love says that I will monitor and keep account of wrongs, sins, and
unfaithfulness while unconditional love says that God will monitor and correct
issues in my spouse’s life and in mine. If you find yourself maintaining a list of
wrongs your spouse has committed you are likely experiencing or giving
conditional love.
24Now to Him Who is able to keep you without stumbling or slipping
or falling, and to present [you] unblemished (blameless and faultless) before
the presence of His glory in triumphant joy and exultation [with unspeakable,
ecstatic delight]—
1 Corinthians
13:5b:
5.…it(Love) takes no account of the evil done to it [it pays no
attention to a suffered wrong].
God’s love is expressed to all
mankind regardless of our response. It
is the receiving and accepting of love that is the challenge. Will we accept and receive the love that God
has expressed to us? Likewise, in our
marriage relationship we should be expressing our love unconditionally towards
our spouse. If either is having trouble
accepting and receiving that expression of love healing is needed in the
individual’s life. As a faithful
covenant spouse you will encourage them toward abandonment to the love that is
expressed, much like the Holy Spirit woos the heart of man toward abandonment
of the love expressed when Father God gave all that He had, His Son, Jesus
Christ!
John 3:16:
1 Corinthians 13
16For God so greatly loved and dearly prized the world that He
[even] gave up His only begotten ([
a]unique)
Son, so that whoever believes in (trusts in, clings to, relies on) Him shall
not perish (come to destruction, be lost) but have eternal (everlasting) life.
1IF I [can] speak in the tongues of men and
[even] of angels, but have not love (that reasoning, intentional, spiritual
devotion such [a]as is
inspired by God's love for and in us), I am only a noisy gong or a clanging
cymbal.
2And if I have prophetic powers ([b]the gift of interpreting the
divine will and purpose), and understand all the secret truths and mysteries
and possess all knowledge, and if I have [sufficient] faith so that I can
remove mountains, but have not love (God's love in me) I am nothing (a useless
nobody).
3Even if I dole out all that I have
[to the poor in providing] food, and if I surrender my body to be burned or [c] in order that I may glory, but
have not love (God's love in me), I gain nothing.
4Love endures long and is patient
and kind; love never is envious nor boils over with jealousy, is not boastful
or vainglorious, does not display itself haughtily.
5It is not conceited (arrogant and
inflated with pride); it is not rude (unmannerly) and does not act
unbecomingly. Love (God's love in us) does not insist on its own rights or its
own way, for it is not self-seeking; it is not touchy or fretful or resentful;
it takes no account of the evil done to it [it pays no attention to a suffered
wrong].
6It does not rejoice at injustice
and unrighteousness, but rejoices when right and truth prevail.
7Love bears up under anything and
everything that comes, is ever ready to believe the best of every person, its
hopes are fadeless under all circumstances, and it endures everything [without
weakening].
8Love never fails [never fades out
or becomes obsolete or comes to an end]. As for prophecy ([d]the gift of interpreting the
divine will and purpose), it will be fulfilled and pass away; as for tongues,
they will be destroyed and cease; as for knowledge, it will pass away [it will
lose its value and be superseded by truth].
9For our knowledge is fragmentary
(incomplete and imperfect), and our prophecy (our teaching) is fragmentary
(incomplete and imperfect).
10But when the complete and perfect
(total) comes, the incomplete and imperfect will vanish away (become
antiquated, void, and superseded).
11When I was a child, I talked like
a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child; now that I have
become a man, I am done with childish ways and have put them aside.
12For now we are looking in a mirror
that gives only a dim (blurred) reflection [of reality as [e]in a riddle or enigma], but then
[when perfection comes] we shall see in reality and face to face! Now I know in
part (imperfectly), but then I shall know and understand [f]fully and clearly, even in the
same manner as I have been [g]fully and clearly known and
understood [[h]by God].
13And so faith, hope, love abide
[faith--conviction and belief respecting man's relation to God and divine
things; hope--joyful and confident expectation of eternal salvation; love--true
affection for God and man, growing out of God's love for and in us], these
three; but the greatest of these is love.
Understanding Covenant
The Hebrew word בְּרִית “bÄ•riyth” – is used 284 times in 264 verses of the Old
Testament and means:
1. Covenant, alliance, pledge
1. Covenant, alliance, pledge
a) between men
i) treaty, alliance, league (man to man)
(1) In the sense of cutting
(2) A compact (because made by passing between pieces of flesh)
(3) Confederacy
ii) Constitution, ordinance (monarch to subjects)
iii) agreement, pledge (man to man)
iv) alliance (of friendship)
v) alliance (of marriage)
b) between God and man
i) alliance (of friendship)
ii) covenant (divine ordinance with signs or pledges)
2. (phrases)
a) covenant making
b) covenant keeping
c) covenant violation
From this we observe that there are two forms of Covenant one is a covenant between men and the other is a covenant between God and man. God is a covenant God and the Bible is a Covenant Book. The Old and New Testament can be called the Old and New Covenant.
i) treaty, alliance, league (man to man)
(1) In the sense of cutting
(2) A compact (because made by passing between pieces of flesh)
(3) Confederacy
ii) Constitution, ordinance (monarch to subjects)
iii) agreement, pledge (man to man)
iv) alliance (of friendship)
v) alliance (of marriage)
b) between God and man
i) alliance (of friendship)
ii) covenant (divine ordinance with signs or pledges)
2. (phrases)
a) covenant making
b) covenant keeping
c) covenant violation
The Principal elements of a Covenant are found in Genesis 26 and
27, and can be summarized in this way:
·
A clear understanding of what is agreed upon
·
An oath and solemn agreement by each party to
observe the agreement where God is the witness
·
If the agreement is broken a curse
·
The ratification of the covenant by some act
or expression.
The concept of sacrifice is at the core of covenant and when we
begin to examine the marriage covenant today many are only looking for what
they are to receive not what they are obligated to give or sacrifice. Covenants
in the Old Testament were sealed with the blood of an animal – a foreshadowing
of the substitutionary work of Christ.
In the marriage relationship the shedding of blood in the marriage bed
on the wedding night is symbolic and ratifies the marriage covenant. This knowledge is often overlooked in our
explanation of sexual purity and the Biblical requirement to remain a virgin
until marriage.
God views covenants as serious commitments. Ecclesiastes 5:4-5
Ecclesiastes
5:4-5:
4When you vow a vow or make a pledge to God, do not put off paying
it; for God has no pleasure in fools (those who witlessly mock Him). Pay what
you vow.
5It is better that you should not vow
than that you should vow and not pay.
While this is not an exhaustive list it is worth noting other covenants
found in the Bible:
·
The Edenic Covenant (Genesis 2:8-17)
·
The Noahic Covenant (Genesis 6:18, 9:8-17)
·
The Abrahamic Covenant (Genesis 12:1-3,
15:7-21)
·
The Mosaic Covenant (Exodus 19:1-8, 24:1-8)
·
The Davidic Covenant (2 Samuel 7:1-17)
·
The New Covenant (Jeremiah 31:31-34, Hebrews
11:7-13)
Christian marriage is not just an
agreement or contract – it is a covenant.
Malachi
2:13-15 (The Message):
13 -15And here's a second offense: You fill the
place of worship with your whining and sniveling because you don't get what you
want from God. Do you know why? Simple. Because God was there as a witness when
you spoke your marriage vows to your young bride, and now you've broken those
vows, broken the faith-bond with your vowed companion, your covenant wife. God, not you, made
marriage. His Spirit inhabits even the smallest details of marriage. And what
does he want from marriage? Children of God, that's what. So guard the spirit
of marriage within you. Don't cheat on your spouse.
Proverbs 2:10-17: (Amplified)
10For skillful and
godly Wisdom shall enter into your heart, and knowledge shall be pleasant to
you 11Discretion shall watch
over you, understanding shall keep you, 12To deliver you from the
way of evil and the evil men, from men who speak perverse things and are liars,
13Men who forsake the paths of uprightness to walk in the ways of
darkness, 14Who rejoice to do evil and delight in the perverseness
of evil, 15Who are crooked in their ways, wayward and devious in
their paths 16[Discretion
shall watch over you, understanding shall keep you] to deliver you from the
alien woman, from the outsider with her flattering words,(A) 17Who forsakes the husband
and guide of her youth and forgets the covenant
of her God
Mark 10:5-9:(The
Message)
5 -9Jesus said,
"Moses wrote this command only as a concession to your hardhearted ways.
In the original creation, God made male and female to be together. Because of
this, a man leaves father and mother, and in marriage he becomes one flesh with
a woman—no longer two individuals, but forming a new unity. Because God created
this organic union of the two sexes, no one should desecrate his art by cutting
them apart."
While the word “covenant” is not explicitly used to describe the
marriage relationship in the New Testament it is evident that the covenant
relationship of marriage found in the Old Testament is referred to by the
quoting of the initial passage describing the marriage relationship found in
Genesis.
Genesis 2:24: (Amplified)
24Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and shall
become united and cleave to his wife, and they shall become one flesh.
There were several things established before the fall of mankind
in Genesis 3: Mankind was created in the image of God (Genesis 1:27), Sex
(Genesis 1:28),mans dominance of earthly affairs for service to God and himself
(Genesis 1:28), Food – plants and meat (Genesis 1:29-30, 2:9), God touched man
(Genesis 2:7), God breathed life into Man (Genesis 2:7), Gardening (Genesis
2:8), The Tree of Life (Genesis 2:9), The Tree of Knowledge [the difference
between] Good and Evil, Blessing and Calamity (Genesis 2:9), Stewardship
(Genesis 2:15), Free Will or Choice (Genesis 2:16-17), Resolution of loneliness
and God’s gentle leading of man to discover his deepest needs (Genesis
2:18-23), Naming rights (Genesis 2:19-20), Self discovery (Genesis 2:20), Deep
sleep (Genesis 2:21), Gender (Genesis 1:27, 2:23), Generational principals
(Genesis 2:24), Rest (Genesis 2:3), Sabbath Rest (Genesis 2:2-3). But also among
this, marriage was established before the fall of man (Genesis 2:22:25). Note the intimacy, transparency and openness
of marriage found in Genesis 2:25.
Genesis 2:25:
25And the man and his wife were both naked and were not embarrassed
or ashamed in each other's presence.
The purity of a marriage union should be kept. Embarrassment and Shame are only present when
sin has been committed (Genesis 3:10).
Marriage was God’s intention for mankind from the very beginning. The missing part of Adam was created for him
by God then chosen by Adam (Genesis 2:23-25).
The laws and traditions of marriage were recognized by Jesus
himself. In John 2 where Jesus and his
family attend a wedding and He performs His first miracle. Jesus also stressed and confirmed the intentions
of a covenant marriage in Matthew 19:4-6 and also here,
Mark 10:6-9:
6But from the beginning of creation God made them male and
female. 7For this reason a
man shall leave [behind] his father and his mother and be joined to his wife
and cleave closely to her permanently, 8And the two shall become one
flesh, so that they are no longer two, but one flesh. 9What therefore God has united
(joined together), let not man separate or divide.
A Threefold Cord
Let’s read:
Ecclesiastes 4:9-12:
While this passage is not specifically directed at marriage it is
fitting and often used to help understand principles of marriage. In verse 8 of this passage it does reference
the second as being a dependent or family so it is addressing family
partners. The aspect of having deep
dependent relationships here is stressed.
The greatest opportunity for satanic attack is when we are left alone
and become lonely. This has been a
tactic of Satan from the beginning. Jesus
suffered an attack in Matthew 4 and Mark 1 when He was alone in the
wilderness. Eve was alone when she was
tempted and fell into sin. The strength
of relationship is the power to keep us from sin. This is why “Two are better than one…”
9Two are better than one, because they have a good [more satisfying]
reward for their labor; 10For
if they fall, the one will lift up his fellow. But woe to him who is alone when
he falls and has not another to lift him up!
11Again, if two lie down together, then they have warmth; but
how can one be warm alone? 12And
though a man might prevail against him who is alone, two will withstand him. A
threefold cord is not quickly broken.
The warmth that comes from relationship is powerful as well; not
only in a physical sense but also in an emotional sense. The warmth of a loving caress from your
committed spouse can sooth away the deepest of stress from a day of toil and
trouble. The opportunity to embrace or
be embraced by someone who is committed to you regardless of your success or
failure can turn the tide of a life of defeat.
Just knowing that there is someone awaiting your return is enough to
help you push through the difficulties of life so that you can return to the
warmth of arms to hold, heal and comfort you.
The most fulfilling joys of a marriage covenant are often missed by most
because they are so focused on what they wish to obtain instead of realizing
what they already have. Hold one
another. Comfort one another. Accept one another. These principles ring true throughout the
Scriptures and a marriage covenant is vacant if these are not being expressed.
“A threefold cord is not quickly broken.” Three
is more powerful than two. Just like it
is easier to break one piece of wood as compared to three pieces of wood
together. The story in Luke 24:13-32 is
an example of Jesus coming along side two and their hearts are
strengthened.
Luke
24:32:
32And they said to one another, Were not our hearts greatly moved
and burning within us while He was talking with us on the road and as He opened
and explained to us [the sense of] the Scriptures?
In the marriage covenant it is a bond of three: Husband, Wife, and
God. Marriages that do not welcome
Christ’s interaction within themselves and their relationship are significantly
weaker. It is more than the joining of
two lives together. It is a union with
God as well. Allowing God to be at the
center of your marriage woven together into every aspect of the married
life. When Jesus Christ is in the
position of Authority in the individual’s lives, He is also in authority of the
marriage relationship. This truth is
explained with much detail in Ephesians 5:21 where both the Husband and the
Wife are instructed to be subject to one another not out of respect, love and
devotion to one another, but out of respect, love and devotion to God.
Ephesians 5:21:
21Be subject to one another out of reverence for Christ (the
Messiah, the Anointed One).
As the husband submits himself to the Lord, the Lord in turn will
demonstrate His great love in the marriage relationship. As the wife honors her husband and submits
herself to the Lord, the Lord in turn will nurture and strengthen the marriage
relationship. In order for the full
marriage covenant to be experienced God must be invited into the relationship
and allowed to be the Lord over it.
Understanding God Paralleled with Marriage
Today, little is said regarding the understanding of the marriage
covenant and how this is a picture of the kind of relationship God desires to
have with mankind. Marriage is a sacred
Covenant that in Theology is considered to be set apart as consecrated and
representative of the perfect union between the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit. The Marriage Covenant further expresses the
perfect union in which God desires to have with mankind. From the very beginning in Genesis we begin
to see the parallels of typology. Adam
is a type of Christ. Deep sleep
parallels death. A rib is taken from
Adam’s side which represents the piercing of Christ Side and the shedding of
His blood. Finally, Eve – a type of the
church – is presented to Adam or Christ.
Without spot or wrinkle, she is pure and possesses within her and is
made by a part of Adam. What a wonderful
expression of the future of Christ and His Bride the Church.
Throughout Scripture there is continual reference to the marriage covenant and the relationship Christ desires with the Church. Examin her the steps of a Jewish Wedding (mostly adapted from Genesis 24 where Isaac and Rebekah are united) and how they parallel the story of the whole Bible:
- Bride selection - Chose by the father of the groom (John 15:15-16)
- The price of the bride (I Corinthians 6:20, 7:23, Ephesians 1:13-14, I Peter 1:18-19)
- The Betrothal (Matthew 25)
- Written contract or document or Ketubah (Jeremiah 31:31-34, I Corinthians 1:20-22)
- The bride's consent is given (Genesis 24:57-58, John 3:16-18, Romans 10:9)
- Gifts are given to the bride (I Corinthians 12-14). The bride and groom share what is called the cup of the covenant (Jeremiah 31:31-33, Matthew 26:29, Luke 22:20, I Corinthians 11:25)
- Ritual cleansing of the bride through water immersion or Mikvah (Mark 16:16, Luke 3:16, John 3:1-7, Acts 1:5, 11:15-16)
- The bridegroom departs to his father's house for preparation of the bridal chamber (Matthew 9:15, John 14:2-3, I Peter 4:7).
- The bride is sanctified or consecrated and set apart for a period of time until the bridegroom returns (Matthew 24:36, 2 Peter 3:3-4, Revelation 21:2).
- The bridegroom's father will determine when the bridal chamber is complete (Mark 13:32-37, Matthew 25:1-13)
- The bridegroom would return with a shout, "Behold, the bridgroom comes" and the sound of the ram's horn would be blown (Daniel 9:24,27, Joel 2:16, Matthew 24:27, 25:6, Mark 13:32, I Thessalonians 4:16-18, Revelation 4:1).
- The Huppah or home taking (Isaiah 26:20-21)
- Finally, the supper for all the gust invited by the father of the bridgroom to celebrate the marriage (Deuteronomy 22:13-21, John 3:29, Revelation 2:17, 19:6-9, 20:4, 22:20)
While some may break these steps differently they remain in this order. The Bible is God's love letter to mankind and His wooing of us into a ready bride for His return!
Much of the traditional wedding vow “For better or for worse, in sickness
and in health…till death do us part” is not found in the Scriptures, but it is
the explanation of a covenant relationship.
The vow you make to your spouse is a serious step, not just another
contract. Covenant spouses are not
easily shaken.
The exchanging of rings is symbolic of the covenant bond made.
Genesis 9:16:
16When the bow [rainbow] is in the clouds and I look upon it, I will
[earnestly] remember the everlasting covenant or pledge between God and every
living creature of all flesh that is upon the earth.
The example given to
us in Scriptures of Noah and God’s covenant with every living creature confirms
to us that when a covenant agreement is made that it is good to establish a
remembrance of the pledge. Customarily
the exchanging of rings is the traditional symbol used to remind us of our
pledge. Your rings should be worn at all
times by you and your spouse. This ring
is not only a reminder for yourself, but also is nearly universally recognized
as the symbol that you have made a marriage covenant. The third finger of the left hand has an
artery that extends directly from your heart.
The wearing of the ring here says that not just me, but also my heart is
pledged to my spouse. Often when the
breaking of this covenant is anticipated the covenant ring will be removed and you
should recognize the sin you are about to commit.
Addressing Divorce
There is no way to discuss the Marriage Covenant without
addressing divorce. While this is not an
exhaustive discussion regarding this issue, it should summarize many things to
consider. I do believe that some enter
into a Marriage Covenant not realizing the significance and importance that
should be placed upon this decision.
Let’s look at a passage in Mark where Jesus is challenged by some
Pharisees.
Mark 10:2-9:
2And some Pharisees came up, and, in order to test Him and try to
find a weakness in Him, asked, Is it lawful for a man to dismiss and repudiate
and divorce his wife? 3He
answered them, What did Moses command you?
4They replied, Moses allowed a man to write a bill of divorce
and to put her away. 5But
Jesus said to them, Because of your hardness of heart [your condition of
insensibility to the call of God] he wrote you this precept in your Law. 6But from the beginning of
creation God made them male and female 7For
this reason a man shall leave [behind] his father and his mother and be joined
to his wife and cleave closely to her permanently, 8And the two shall become one
flesh, so that they are no longer two, but one flesh. 9What therefore God has united
(joined together), let not man separate or divide.
What is often missed in this passage the explanation of Jesus as to why
Moses would put this allowance in place
Mark 10:5
.
5But
Jesus said to them, Because of your hardness of heart [your condition of
insensibility to the call of God] he wrote you this precept in your Law.
This precept is
in the law because Man or Mankind is not being sensitive to the call of
God. What is that call? It is found in Ephesians 5:21-33. It is all of the “one another’s” outlined in
the New Testament. Divorce exists
because of man’s (husband, wife or both) inability to submit to God and allow
Him to correct the issues. I have had
numerous couples in my office at various junctures in their marriage
journey. Some God has been able to heal,
while others one or both parties are unwilling to submit and change. For the innocent victim this is
devastating. Divorce is generally agreed
by most Christians to be doctrinally okay when one of the three “A’s” exist:
Adultery or Sexual Immorality, Abandonment (Matthew 19, I Corinthians 7:15) and
Abuse (while not explicitly stated it is generally said that requiring someone
to stay in an abusive situation is contrary to the nature of God).
A decision to
marry or divorce should not be made lightly and without counsel. It is for each individual to work out their
own salvation with fear and trembling before an Almighty God. When you can stand before God and declare
that you firmly believe it is good for you to marry or that you have exhausted
all attempts of reconciliation, and you can do this without fear and trembling,
then and only then should you pursue marriage or divorce.
Philippians 2:12:
12Therefore, my dear ones, as you have always obeyed [my
suggestions], so now, not only [with the enthusiasm you would show] in my
presence but much more because I am absent, work out (cultivate, carry out to
the goal, and fully complete) your own salvation with reverence and awe and
trembling (self-distrust, with serious caution, tenderness of conscience,
watchfulness against temptation, timidly shrinking from whatever might offend
God and discredit the name of Christ).
Divorce is ugly and does not communicate the kind of relationship
that God desires with mankind. Divorce’s
destructive nature goes against everything in God’s nature – This is why He
hates divorce. Divorce is a terrible
evil. There are some situations where
divorce represents a wise and loving course of action. In Ezra 10:10-19 the priest Ezra instructed
Israelite men put away their heathen wives and children. In Jeremiah 3:8, God divorced the northern
tribes of Israel. This action was only
taken by a loving and patient God after enduring their prolonged spiritual
unfaithfulness which He compared to sexual unfaithfulness. Jesus taught that sometimes the spirit of the
law allows specific legal requirements to be overridden (Matthew 12:1-13). What’s important is that our personal
judgment be guided by the right principles.
Any exception to the “law” should be considered only in light of the
most basic principles of Scripture and should not be made without spiritual
guidance from a Pastor.
Proverbs 11:14:
14Where no wise guidance is, the people fall, but in the multitude
of counselors there is safety.
Mate Selection and Care
Malachi 2:10-17:
10Have we not all one Father? Has not one God created us? Why then
do we deal faithlessly and treacherously each against his brother, profaning
the covenant of [God with] our fathers? 11Judah
has been faithless and dealt treacherously, and an abomination has been
committed in Israel and in Jerusalem; for Judah [that is, Jewish men] has
profaned the holy sanctuary of the Lord which He loves, and has married the
daughter of a foreign god [having divorced his Jewish wife] 12The Lord will cast out of the
tents of Jacob to the last man those who do this [evil thing], the master and
the servant [or the pupil] alike, even him who brings an offering to the Lord
of hosts. 13And this you do
with double guilt; you cover the altar of the Lord with tears [shed by your
unoffending wives, divorced by you that you might take heathen wives], and with
[your own] weeping and crying out because the Lord does not regard your
offering any more or accept it with favor at your hand. 14Yet you ask, Why does He reject
it? Because the Lord was witness [to the covenant made at your marriage]
between you and the wife of your youth, against whom you have dealt
treacherously and to whom you were faithless. Yet she is your companion and the
wife of your covenant [made by your marriage vows]. 15And did not God make [you and
your wife] one [flesh]? Did not One make you and preserve your spirit alive?
And why [did God make you two] one? Because He sought a godly offspring [from
your union]. Therefore take heed to yourselves, and let no one deal
treacherously and be faithless to the wife of his youth. 16For the Lord, the God of Israel,
says: I hate divorce and marital separation and him who covers his garment [his
wife] with violence. Therefore keep a watch upon your spirit [that it may be
controlled by My Spirit], that you deal not treacherously and faithlessly [with
your marriage mate]. 17You
have wearied the Lord with your words. Yet you say, In what way have we wearied
Him? [You do it when by your actions] you say, Everyone who does evil is good
in the sight of the Lord and He delights in them. Or [by asking], Where is the
God of justice?
God wants us to understand, embrace and capture the love of a
committed relationship and the freedom, security and comfort it brings. In Malachi 2, the men driven by their own
desires divorced their wives and married what they thought would be better
wives. In a society that fosters and
creates a culture with the idea that there is always something or someone
better it will continue to lead people into an unsatisfying life. When commitment is reduced and appetites for
more abound we move into an unsustainable quest that will never end. When commitment controls our appetites we are
satisfied. God hates divorce because it
is not commitment based and does not properly portray the loving, committed
relationship He desires with mankind.
Commitment based love will not lead your spouse to the Altar of God
begging for changes in you. Commitment
based love will foster a mutual desire to adapt ourselves to our spouse and
encourage us to make changes in ourselves for our own good.
Covenant Marriage cannot be discussed without explaining the
change of name. Throughout the
Scriptures there a several examples of names being changed:
Abram renamed Abraham by God
(Genesis 17:5) and later Sarai renamed Sarah by God (Genesis 17:15); Jacob
renamed Israel by God (Genesis 32:28); Joseph renamed Zaphenath-Paneah by
Pharoah (Genesis 41:45); Hoshea renamed Joshua by Moses (Numbers 13:16); Gideon
renamed Jerub-Baal by the men of Ophrah (Judges 6:32); Naomi renamed Mara by
herself (Ruth 1:20); Eliakim renamed
Jehoiakim by Pharoah Neco (2 Kings 23:24);
Hadassah also known as Esther (Esther 2:7); Daniel and the three Hebrew children’s names
are changed in Daniel 1:7 by Nebuchadnezzar's chief official – Daniel becomes
Belteshazzar, Azariah renamed Abednego, Hananiah to Shadrach, and Mishael
renamed Meshach (Daniel 1:7); Lo-Ruhamah
renamed Ruhamah by God (Hosea 1:6, 2:23) and Lo-Ammi renamed Ammi by God (Hosea
1:9, 2:23); Simon renamed Peter by Jesus (Matthew 16:18); Saul also known as Paul and vice versa (Acts
13:9).
These name changes were responses to major life changing
events, calls of God, new destiny or purpose in life; likewise, the name change
that takes place when a marriage covenant is made. It symbolizes that there has been a major
life changing event, call of God and a further definition of destiny and
purpose in life. You are now “marked” by
the covenant agreement you have entered in.
Not only is the receiving of a name change significant, but when a name
is given it bears heritage meaning and purpose and it should not be given
lightly. Both the giving and receiving
of names should be seen as having significant value.
Acts of Service
I was in a church service years ago where Bishop Wellington Boon
(Promise Keeper Speaker) was conducting the service. He shared a principle that he and his wife
live regarding their marriage relationship.
He stated that they try to out serve one another. Their whole life is focused on serving their
spouse which is secondary and contributing to their service to God. Going back to the Malachi Scripture, men had
“beaten” their wives down so much that they came weeping at the altar instead
of rejoicing and worshiping. How often
do we leave our spouse begging at the altar of God for change in our
behavior? Do you see your primary
responsibility in your marriage to out serve your spouse? To help them feel happiness, love and
commitment? Every aspect of Christian
marriage defined in the Bible portrays a relationship that builds one another
up, lifts the burdens of life and provides safety and security for the welfare
of spouse and children. The Biblical
order of the home is crucial to every marriage relationship regardless of the
biological parents of the children. With
this said, all too often I have couples who sit in my office who have placed
their biological children between them and their spouse. This order will not work. If the serving model is used you would never
require your spouse to choose between you and their biological children. Through counsel and service you would find a
way to recognize and value the importance those biological children have on
your spouse and assist in fulfilling your spouse to meet those children’s
needs. When the marriage relationship
shifts from “how can I out serve my spouse” to “I demand my needs be met” you
are operating outside of God’s principles.
Our chief responsibility in our relationship with God is to serve Him
with all of our might! He, in turn, has
already given much and desires to lavish every good thing on us. Now, translate that into your marriage
relationship. An attitude of service
will redeem the love that is lost.
God’s Math Leads to Oneness
I have a degree in Mathematics.
God’s math just doesn’t make sense to all that I have been taught.
Isaiah 55:9:
9For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are My ways higher
than your ways and My thoughts than your thoughts
God’s math says that two shall become one. One man plus one woman will make one.
Genesis 2:24:
24Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and shall
become united and cleave to his wife, and they shall become one flesh.
It is often the “becoming” that is the problem in most
marriages. My parents and Patty’s (my
wife) parents have been married for over 50 years. It is amazing to watch the “oneness” they
express and feel. Patty and I will often
find ourselves correcting or directing our kids with the same response, thus
speaking with one voice. No matter how
many years we have been married or our parents there are still from time to
time moments observed where that oneness is not evident. The marriage covenant requires that each
strive for the oneness in your relationship.
Becoming one is a goal to be achieved.
When we operate as one we will take into account and practice full
consideration of our spouses wants, desires and needs. Our response to given challenges should
reflect the goodness of the character traits of our spouse. When both husband and wife are individually
submitted to God, striving and maturing together into the likeness of Christ,
there will be little question as to what is right or wrong and little
difference in decisions or actions.
Often challenges in marriages are due to a lack of oneness and full
submission to God’s principles and moral standards by one or both parties. God is our example of this oneness that
should be expressed in the marriage covenant.
We never observe any conflict between God the Father, God the Son and
God the Holy Ghost, because They are one.
John 10:30:
30I and my Father
are one.
Oneness occurs when we allow the intimacy of our relationship to
grow in all areas of our lives. Marriage
intimacy can be categorized with five connecting points: Emotional, Social, Intellectual, Physical and
Spiritual.
·
Emotional intimacy is being present and
concerned with those things that concern our spouse. Emotional intimacy is more than just the butterflies
in the stomach during our courtship days but it is being emotionally present
even after the “I do’s.” Emotional
intimacy is sometimes more difficult for men but it is an important dynamic of
the marriage relationship and must be fostered and nurtured. Ladies, when your man begins to connect
emotionally, don’t overwhelm him with your pent up frustration of desires for
him to connect, nor overwhelm him with your ease of connecting emotionally, but
just be quiet and let him connect.
·
Social Intimacy is built by continuing to do
the things you did during your courtship where you connected with other
couples, family and friends. Social
intimacy is continuing to grow and develop socially in all areas of your life
and the life of your spouse. If you
enjoy fine arts or fine dining you make sure that you continue to connect in
these ways and explore more.
·
Intellectual intimacy is the growth and
development in respect of opinions, thoughts and creativity. You value the opinions, thoughts and
creativity of your spouse. When you begin
to have thoughts regarding your spouse that are degrading (i.e. Idiot, Stupid,
Shallow, etc.) you are destroying Intellectual intimacy.
·
Physical intimacy is more than just sex. It is being present physically with your
spouse holding hands, rubbing of shoulders, kissing and any other physical
contact. The marriage bed is the
culmination of all other intimacies.
When all five intimacies are healthy and alive within your marriage, you
are guaranteed to see stars in the marriage bed.
·
The last, but definitely not the least, is
Spiritual Intimacy. Spiritual Intimacy
is sharing Spiritual experience together.
It is not limited to just going to church. It involves reading the Bible, praying and
sharing God’s revelation in your life with your spouse. Serving together in a church or ministry is
another wonderful and often overlooked way to connect with your spouse. If your spouse volunteers to work with the
children one Sunday, you serve right alongside of them. In the Journal of Mental Health Counseling
[1993] an article by D. L. Fenell titled “Characteristics of Long-term
Marriages” found that when researchers examined the characteristics of happy
couples who had been married for over 20 years, one of the most significant
qualities they found was “faith in God and spiritual commitment.” Do not minimize Spiritual Intimacy and its
affects in you having a lasting marriage.
This oneness is fully expressed in defining the husband’s
role toward his wife in Ephesians 5:25-26.
It is Christ who sanctifies, but the husband creates the atmosphere in
which the wife can be sanctified. This
means creating an atmosphere where your wife never feels compelled to commit
sin to cover or adjust for your moral failures.
Your position is to edify, encourage and inspire one another to become
fully conformed to the image of Christ. If
you are planning to cheat on taxes then don’t require your wife to sign the tax
documents. If you are going to misstate your
assets in order to qualify for a loan, don’t ask your wife to sign those
documents. If you are going to live in a
fantasy life presenting yourself to others as having more than the “Jones” then
don’t require your wife to share the fantasy.
If you are becoming one, your spouse will be keenly aware of your flaws,
failures and moral compromise. Oneness
also means that your spouse can challenge your flaws, failures and moral
compromise and encourage you to trust and submit everything to God.
Ephesians
5:25-26:
25Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave
Himself up for her, 26So that He might sanctify her, having cleansed
her by the washing of water with the Word,
John 17 is a wonderful passage of Scripture where Christ
expresses to the Father His desires for the body of Christ, the church, to be
one with God as He and the Father are one.
Examine this Scripture in light of Christ’s prayer and His heart’s
desire expressed in John 17:19-26. If
every husband would adapt this prayer and make it reflective of his desires for
his marriage relationship oneness could occur and the Covenant Marriage would
exist. The process of becoming is initiated
at the betrothal, celebrated in ceremony, consummated in sexual union (shedding
of blood), and matured through the challenges of life.
John 17:19-26:
19And so for their sake and on their behalf I sanctify (dedicate,
consecrate) Myself, that they also may be sanctified (dedicated, consecrated,
made holy) in the Truth. 20Neither
for these alone do I pray [it is not for their sake only that I make this
request], but also for all those who will ever come to believe in (trust in,
cling to, rely on) Me through their word and teaching, 21That they all may be one, [just]
as You, Father, are in Me and I in You, that they also may be one in Us, so
that the world may believe and be convinced that You have sent Me. 22I have given to them the glory
and honor which You have given Me, that they may be one [even] as We are one: 23I in them and You in Me, in
order that they may become one and perfectly united, that the world may know
and [definitely] recognize that You sent Me and that You have loved them [even]
as You have loved Me. 24Father,
I desire that they also whom You have entrusted to Me [as Your gift to Me] may
be with Me where I am, so that they may see My glory, which You have given Me
[Your love gift to Me]; for You loved Me before the foundation of the world. 25O just and righteous Father,
although the world has not known You and has failed to recognize You and has
never acknowledged You, I have known You [continually]; and these men
understand and know that You have sent Me.
26I have made Your Name known to them and revealed Your
character and Your very [
a]Self, and I will continue to make
[You] known, that the love which You have bestowed upon Me may be in them [felt
in their hearts] and that I [Myself] may be in them.
So the prayer would read something like this:
Lord for the sake of my wife and on
her behalf I ask You to sanctify (dedicate, consecrate) me, that she also may desire
to be sanctified (dedicated, consecrated, made holy) by You in Your truth. It is not just for my marriage that I pray
this, but also for all who will examine our Christian lives and marriage so
that they will learn to trust Your words and teachings through me regarding Your
Kingdom. I pray that my wife and I can
be one even as You, the Father and Son (Jesus Christ) are One. May my wife follow me as I follow Christ so
that we may become one together and one with Christ so that others will be
convinced of Your goodness in the promise of marriage and the type of
relationship You desire for mankind with You.
Father, I desire that the wife You have entrusted to me [as Your gift to
me] be with me where I am, so that others may see Your glory, which You have
given me [Your love gift to me]; for my love for her has grown and we are
building upon Your love foundation established before the world existed. I believe that You, oh Lord, have brought us
together. May we as a couple continue to
make You known in all the earth and may You continue to make Yourself known in
our lives and that the love You have bestowed upon me may be felt in my spouse’s
heart as You remain the center of our marriage.
Closing
·
To have and to hold (how well have you
bonded)?
·
For better or for worse (how stable is your
treatment of your spouse)?
·
For richer of for poorer (how well does your
marriage stand financial pressure)?
·
In sickness and in health (are there health
struggles – how well are you adapting)?
·
To love and to cherish (Are you performing
acts of love toward your spouse)?
·
I pledge my faithfulness (well – are you being
faithful)?
